I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
