So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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