I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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