Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
