i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
