I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
