i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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