help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I need to sanitize my soul.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
