My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
