saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You should frame my arrest warrant.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
