I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
