just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
