these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
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I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
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What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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