you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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