if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
