you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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