its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i love accidental penises.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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