I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
