I smell stomach acid.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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