I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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