I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It's official drugs can't kill me
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
