How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
