So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
