Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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