Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
