take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
