You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
