The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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