I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
