if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
