She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
