I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I supernannyed him into submission
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
