I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
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Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
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Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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