Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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