God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
