Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
