"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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