i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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