I haven't been this sober since birth.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
