I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
