He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
