She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
