Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
