Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
