I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
