DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
