First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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