I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
