Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
