I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
