I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
