i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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