I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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