my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
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He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
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I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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