I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
