I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
