fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
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We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
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and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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