I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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