This house was built for laser tag.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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