Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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