Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
