It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
