Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Never underestimate the power of titties
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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